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False positive edition

A private lab in New Hampshire has completed identification testing of 13 pounds of what was purported to be the highly addictive opioid fentanyl, which had been confiscated in July in what was touted as "one of the largest seizures in the state."

The lab has confirmed that the white powdery substance in question is, in fact, sugar.

Upon reading this news, a big cartoon question mark appeared over our head. How does someone come into possession of 13 pounds of sugar in such a way that other people would think it was a Schedule II painkiller?

It turns out that the "fentanyl," initially valued at $2 million, was seized from a house that also contained marijuana, heroin and other drug paraphernalia. The sheriffs deduced that the residents had planned to cut heroin with the fentanyl and sell the mixture.

While we now have questions about the heroin-ness of the heroin, too, it seems that perhaps the plan was to cut the heroin with sugar and rip off their customers, a time-honored practice of scummy service providers whose history includes such delightful innovations as putting sawdust in bread.

Another potential explanation is that the marijuana gave them the munchies, and they were going to use the sugar to bake some snacks.

While sugar is not a scheduled substance under U.S. law—outside of food safety regulations ensuring that companies can't cut it with sawdust, of course—we feel compelled to pedantically point out that it is both addictive and bad for you.

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Monday, December 18, 2023
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